Grief and Gratitude: Finding Blessings in the Midst of Loss

Over the last few days, I’ve been pondering what I wanted to write about for Thanksgiving. Several thoughts crossed my mind. I could talk about the struggles that holidays can bring when we are grieving, or perhaps explore the themes of harvest, thankfulness and gratitude that are at the heart of Thanksgiving.

But I found myself settling on something a little different: the blessings of grief.

I know that may sound like an unusual way to talk about grief. Grief can be painful, complicated and exhausting. It can change from one day to the next, and sometimes from one moment to the next. I certainly don’t want to minimize the pain of losing someone we love or suggest that we should simply “look on the bright side.”

Rather, as we move into Thanksgiving, I’ve been thinking about whether it is possible to hold two things at the same time: the deep sadness of grief and a sense of gratitude for what—and who—we have had in our lives.

Perhaps grief and gratitude are not opposites after all.

Thanksgiving, Gratitude and Grief

At its heart, Thanksgiving is a time to pause and recognize what we have received and what we are thankful for. Traditionally, it has been associated with the harvest and the bounty of the past year. For many of us, it has become a time to gather with family and friends, share a meal and celebrate the people who are important to us.

There is something meaningful about the simple act of breaking bread together. Turkey, all the trimmings and, of course, pumpkin pie often become part of the traditions and memories we create.

But Thanksgiving can also be a difficult time for someone experiencing grief.

An empty chair at the table can be a powerful reminder of someone who is no longer there. A familiar recipe, a particular smell or a family tradition can suddenly bring memories—and tears—to the surface.

Yet perhaps within those memories there can also be gratitude.

Grief Is a Reflection of Love

One of the things I often remind people who are grieving is that grief is, in many ways, a reflection of love.

If we had not loved someone deeply, their absence would not hurt so deeply.

In working with people experiencing grief and bereavement, I have rarely heard someone say they wished they had never loved the person they lost simply because they now have to experience the pain of their absence. More often, people recognize that the relationship was worth the pain.

The loss hurts because the relationship mattered.

So perhaps part of finding gratitude within grief is being able to say, “I am thankful that you were part of my life.”

We can be thankful for the experiences we shared, the memories we created, the things we learned, the laughter, the challenges we faced together and, most importantly, the love.

That doesn’t take away the grief. It simply gives the grief another dimension.

The Journey Through Grief

Another Thanksgiving theme that makes me think about grief is the idea of journey and safe passage.

I remember learning about hope through the work of Dr. Ronna Jevne, a psychologist who has studied hope extensively, including hope within the palliative journey and beyond.

When I think about grief, I often think about the journey we undertake following the death of someone we love. There is no single map for that journey, and there is certainly no timetable.

Moving through grief is not about “getting over” someone or reaching a point where we no longer miss them. It is about finding our own way of living with the loss and carrying the relationship forward in a different form.

Perhaps there is a kind of hope in simply making that journey—one day, one moment and sometimes one breath at a time.

The successful passage isn’t necessarily about arriving somewhere without grief. It may be about discovering that we can continue living while carrying both the love and the loss with us.

The Harvest That Sustains Us

Then there is the harvest itself.

There is the very tangible harvest of food that brings people together around the Thanksgiving table. Following a death, we often see another kind of nourishment. Friends, neighbours and family may show their support by bringing meals, baking something special or simply making sure that someone who is grieving doesn’t have to worry about one more thing.

There is something deeply nurturing about someone saying, “I thought you might need this.”

But perhaps there is also a metaphorical harvest within grief.

The memories we have gathered throughout a relationship become part of the nourishment that sustains us. The stories, experiences, lessons, traditions and moments of love become a kind of emotional food that we can draw upon over the years.

Those memories can make us laugh. They can make us cry. Sometimes they can do both at the same time.

And perhaps that is okay.

Holding Grief and Gratitude Together

As we move into Thanksgiving, I hope that those who are grieving will give themselves permission to experience whatever emotions arise.

If you are sad, it is okay to be sad.

If you laugh, it is okay to laugh.

If you miss someone terribly, it is okay to miss them.

And if, somewhere among the sadness, you find a moment of gratitude, it is okay to embrace that too.

Grief does not require us to forget the good things simply because we are experiencing loss. In fact, sometimes remembering the good is one of the ways we honour the person and the relationship.

This Thanksgiving, I find myself thinking about the people who have contributed to the memories that make up my own life—my parents, friends, former spouse and others who have loved, challenged and shaped me along the way.

They are part of my personal harvest.

And perhaps that is one of the gifts hidden within grief: the realization that although someone may no longer be physically present, what they gave us can continue to live within us.

So this Thanksgiving, alongside the grief and the empty chairs, perhaps we can also make room for gratitude.

Not gratitude for the loss, but gratitude for the love that existed before the loss.

For the memories.

For the lessons.

For the laughter.

For the moments of connection.

 

When you’re ready, you can book an appointment online. I look forward to meeting you. Go to the following link to book your apt.  https://robsmithcounselling.janeapp.com/